Wasting Time With God

I found this entry in my journal from November and thought I'd post it here on the blog.

11.18.09W I journaled: In his book on Prayer, Yancey mentioned a book "Wasting Time With God" as a title to show how quiet time and prayer can seem like a waste of time--nothing productive--nothing to show for it. It reminded me of a few Saturdays ago when I had on MY AGENDA that Nate would play with Elijah so I could work on Malachi's paperwork for the embassy. It took Nate a longer time than I'd wished or planned to get ready because in the process Elijah was on the bed wrestling Papa and asking me to read books with him. As the process didn't seem to be progressing I huffed: "Hurry up and get ready--we're wasting this time that I could have been working on paperwork."

Nate noticed the irony in my comment and pointed it out while I cringed inside to realize that I had labeled that special family "hanging out time" in its naturalness as a "waste of time." I hope I never say that again. I'm learning now with small children just how task-oriented I am. They are teaching me to be more relationship-oriented--enjoying just being there. It is hard to change from constantly making time productive to just being Elijah's mom--"wasting time" playing with blocks and making turtles out of clay. It is hard to change from always seeing spare moments with the question "What can I be doing now?" to just sitting and watching Elijah fiddle with keys or rocking Malachi to sleep. I am learning with my children to slow down and cancel my "agenda" to just be with them--never a waste of time.

Now with Yancey's challenge I want to learn to do the same with God--to stop hurrying through my "devotions" and reading the Bible like it is an assignment to just sitting in His presence and learning to wait for Him, learning to listen to Him. I want to value my quiet time with God as some of the best, most enjoyable parts of my life--not as a waste of time or as "unproductive" time that accomplished nothing. I want to abide in Jesus and let that time with him bear fruit for him and that is not a wasted life.

Lord, teach me to say: "Speak Lord, your servant is listening" rather than "Listen, Lord, your servant is speaking" (Pamela Gray). Teach me to enjoy the spaces in life as an opportunity to pray and be with you rather than to make use of it planning or being anxious about something. Teach me to pray. Let me set aside my tasks, my agendas, and just be with you.